You cannot change what you refuse to confront – Unknown
Let me tell you at least one thing I gained when I decided to forgive myself. My second husband and I have been divorced for over 10 years. When we divorced, it was not on the best of terms. There was infidelity and abuse in our marriage that both of us could claim. We had one child born out of this marriage. My ex-husband paid his child support and maintained a relationship with our child. We had always been cordial to each other but since I remarried shortly after our divorce I think that may have contributed to the distance in his and my son’s relationship. Our child is now 15 years old and for the past year or so, I have wanted my son’s father to be more involved then he has been. This is where the healing power of forgiveness really made a change.
In 2013, I was involved in a car accident. The car was totaled and I walked away with just a few bruises on my arm from where the airbag deployed. It was a single car accident. I was checked out by paramedics and then placed in the back of a police car while they did they initial investigation and the tow truck arrived. While in the police car, a calming presence came over me and I felt that everything was going to be fine. I was at peace for just a moment. It is a feeling that I have never forgotten. My spiritual transformation had just begun.
In 2014, I started meditating. There were little thoughts that would pop into my head like “it’s not your burden to carry” or the “road won’t be easy but I’ll protect you”. I also started reading both spiritual and self-improvement books. Here are some books that really made an impact:
The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle; Discover the Power Within You, Eric Butterworth; Instinct, TD Jakes; A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle; The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brene Brown; A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson; Spiritual Solutions, Deepak Chopra; The Four Agreements, Don Ruiz; The Universe is Calling, Eric Butterworth and When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron
In addition to reading, I walked at the park on a daily basis and discovered a passion for photography. During that time I paid close attention to how I spoke to myself. I looked at what I was giving my attention to. I started to like myself and actually start to laugh at some of the silly stuff I was holding onto. I was actively checking my belief system and confronting old habits and thought processes. I would cry sometimes but I would also laugh and rejoice at the changes.
About a year ago, the feeling that I needed to reach out to my ex-husband, a strong but gentle nudge came over me. When he called to speak to my son, I was a little more conversational and we started to talk to each other a little more and eventually I apologized for my part in our relationships demise. It was about a month ago when he apologized to me. That’s not where the story ends. For my son’s birthday, I suggested that may be he fly him down to Louisiana to spend some time but he came back and said that his schedule was too busy. My initial thought that creeped in was, how you can be too busy for your son. That was my old BS rearing its ugly head. A few days later, the soft gentle voice spoke and said you did your part, you invited him in, let it go. And that’s what I did.
A week or so later, his father stated he planned to drive up to Ohio and spend a few days with my son.
Here is my Lessons Learned:
- Work on you first
- Let go and trust in Divine timing
- Stay open to the Possibilities